How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
