i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
