chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
