I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
