do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
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