what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
