there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
