The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize