You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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