It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
At least life still wants to fuck me.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
