Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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