I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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