see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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