as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
God, I missed his penis.
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