my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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