her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize