how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
