And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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