Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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