All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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