I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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