im six kinds of drunk right now
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
