Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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