don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
and you fell through a lawn chair
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
