Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
