I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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