I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
