i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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