She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I need to stop coming to work sober
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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