I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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