You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
We need to rekindle our bromance
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
