Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
you inspire me to be a worse person
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
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