and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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