Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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