When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
