You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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