Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
