Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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