She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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