im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize