It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I need to stop coming to work sober
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
