Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
