I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize
