I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
