I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
