Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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