God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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