My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
