YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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