She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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