you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize