I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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