The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
