i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
