i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
