That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
