Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
