my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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