I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I cut my penus on the lid.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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