oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize