i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Randomize
