Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
