I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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