Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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