Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
