Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
